Category: All

Loss. Bone deep, heart-wrenching pain leaving you staring dry-eyed while you scream inside. There is nothing anyone can say or do or try that will bring you back from it until you feel the jerk of your heartbeat and you inhale deeply enough that your lungs work.
It doesn’t have to be something huge like someone you lost or something you lost. It could be simple enough as a friendship or a treasured item, but the kind of loss causes elemental pain.

Remember a few things: it’s okay to feel, grieve, and process. Just don’t obsess.

Give yourself a specific time frame to grieve. Go all out, ice cream, isolation, loads of tissues, loads of alcohol and sad movies that jerk those tears from your eyes. Allow yourself to do this all, but when the alarm clock chimes on the designated date, you need to stop … shower, shave and show up. This doesn’t mean that you bury how you feel or what some things mean to you … it means that you give a time and date to the end of your wallowing and then find meaning and purpose once again.
The process has value, but it doesn’t mean that you forget your loss. It means that you learn from it.
Learn the value of having that person in your life, remember the lessons you learnt, remember: the joy and the good times you had, that they live with you as a part of you, part of your past, part of what made you.

The key to moving on from grief is to allow yourself to love them even though they are gone.

Society dictates that you be strong. You do not allow your emotions to show; you do not allow yourself to feel.
Some cultures frown on emotions; they see them as a sign of weakness, but here is a thought.
Why were we designed to cry if emotions are a sign of weakness? Shed tears when we feel angry, sad, frustrated or overwhelmed?

Feeling emotions and displaying them is something we are all allowed to do. There are old sayings which we call cliches’ but where did they come from?
“men don’t cry.”
“Cowboys don’t cry.”
“emotions are private.”
Those who say these cliches are uncomfortable people intimidated by others who are brave enough to display emotion publically, who do not want to acknowledge that their actions produce feelings, which causes someone to cry.
It makes people remember to feel and acknowledge that others are affected by their thoughtless brutality.

Most of all. It reminds humanity that there is something else worth living for than themselves, frightening for most. For others, it’s a reminder of our purpose on this earth. We are not living for ourselves.

The best thing to do while recovering from a heart-wrenching loss is to focus on those who need more than you do. Be content with what you have and find how to help others less fortunate than yourself.

Mid-January and life is … life. Is there any other way to put it? The crazy season and all the festivities are over. The children are preparing to go back to school, teenagers to high school and young adults to embrace where ever their post-education path takes them. Everything is focused on the younger generations. What about those who are over 30?

Life is in chaos everywhere you look. Many people offer enough self-help that would get you into another life and world with words that churn like a raging storm through your mind. It’s an unending onslaught on the senses. Gone are the days where life was easy and slow. Everything is fast, instant, continuously moving, and there is no time to watch the grass grow, sunset or rise without a plan, a purpose or a cause. Why is there always a reason we do something instead of simply doing it because we want to experience what we are seeing, tasting, hearing or touching?

Contrary to what we are taught as children, there is nothing wrong with sitting still. There is nothing wrong with watching the sunrise or sunset, listening to the bird’s chirp, leisurely walking on a beach or through a forest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting in your favourite coffee shop enjoying your favourite beverage. Time can stand still to your senses, and your body can relax in these moments. To be whole, we need these times.

Rising early before sunrise and allowing the silence of my home sink into my senses while drinking my favourite French Roast coffee is a moment I cherish. A favourite moment is when everyone is still sleeping. I get to do a quick exercise routine or enjoy a shower that makes me feel as though I’m standing under a waterfall in nature. Watching the sunrise in Summer while feeling the cool breeze of the nearby ocean brush against my face and play with my hair, tasting the salt on the air—all moments where beauty and nature engage the senses. Peace fills me, and my soul sighs while I smile at my good fortune to be able to engage all five of my senses in this beautiful world we have been gifted.

What makes you stop and be? What makes you smile and think today will be a good day.

Dawn woke the world with a cloud-filled sky and an icy chill in the air. The Gregorian calendar tells me it’s the first day of a new year, but deep within, it feels like another day to live, love, laugh, and be. Sadly, it takes everyone controlled by a killer virus, while governments implement more control over the world’s populations, for us to look around and realise we are in a bad place. Never mind the bad choices we have made regarding our eternal life.

We make resolutions we never keep. We abuse our bodies, minds and souls. Instead of having a relationship with the Creator who made us and made a solution to be part of His family, we stay busy with things. We willingly walk into a trap set by His enemy which we enjoy until it’s too late for us to get out. The cost of that trap is not having eternity with our Creator.

Fortunately, we wake the following day, have another chance to change, make changes by asking for forgiveness, and be spiritually, mentally, and soulistical cleaned. We have a chance at a new start; we can be different, allowing our minds and souls cleansing and renewal through His instruction, guidance and love. It is up to us to make that decision to allow Him to be part of our life.

He made us all with the ability of choice, and we squander that for the right to live; it has become a currency for others to control us. We have become like laboratory specimens. We are nothing more than assets that are expendable to other humans under the control of one who does not want us to have an eternity with our Creator.

The fight for our souls continues. We have become distracted from the enemies actual target. Instead of choosing to take back control over our hearts, souls, and minds, we are giving ourselves away. We are not making decisions with absolutes but with feelings and thoughts. We need to keep morality alive in the absolute of what’s right and wrong, instead of selling a piece of our soul with the selling pitch “do what makes you happy”.

The saying “knowledge is power” has never been more accurate than today. If you do not know the origin of why we are living like we are, find out. We are so far off the path this world was supposed to walk. Instead of happiness, joy, plenty for all, the purity and beauty God created was twisted and manipulated into something for men to control and harm others. It’s not what God meant our lives to be.

Fortunately, we still have a choice. God made us with that ability. If we choose to sell our souls to Satan, we do not have a life with God; instead, there will be one of pain and suffering for eternity. But we are protected and part of His family if we choose to live for God and have a relationship through His son Jesus Christ.

Do not be distracted. Be aware of what is happening. We are not alone or left to fend for ourselves. His book warns us, guides us and teaches us. He is with us if we ask it of Him. We know the enemy strategy and intent. We know in our hearts and souls we are under attack from evil. We know we just need to speak the words asking for help, forgiveness and redemption. We know we have the power to choose. Therefore, what choice you going to make?

MISSION: SAVING ME … TIME … MARCHES ON

Its been more than a year since the world was rocked at its foundation. What people thought was a way of life soon showed the ugliness of what humanity had become.

Selfish

Hard

Self-centred

Self-focused

Desperate to have more of things

Although this depressing thought would cover most humans, among it all sprung a wonderful surprise. People began putting down their phones, tablets and various digital play toys and really looked around. Social media started to show different views of the world. Instead of the self-centred selfies, the focus went from self to others, helping those who couldn’t help themselves.

Instead of the million posts of a persons day showing places frequented, events attended, and the superficial existence led. The world was enlightened about what others were doing, were going or not going, of those needing help within the neighbourhood or community and those who just needed a friend. To a point, faith in the goodness of humanity was restored.

Life became slower, more, richer. Instead of the daily rush of getting somewhere, doing something, to be “someone”. Life stood still, the planet could breathe, creation could find space and Time to be what they were meant to be, humanity had Time to notice the beauty and wonder around them. Yet, out of all of these realisations came one obvious thing.

Time is short.

Time.

The one thing that:

rules night and day

never stands still and

without it, we cannot define days, nights, seasons, months, weeks, years, or even moments.

It is something, an unseen living entity. When gone, it is irretrievable. Something so precious it is thought of as the ultimate gift. Something that people want more than anything else. Something that defines decisions, regrets, the aching heart or the elatedness of love.

Without it, there is nothing that defines the world we live in. However, if you have more of it on your hands, there is so much you can do.

If all the requirements of society were taken away, there were no worries, no cares and absolutely no financial commitments … what would you do?

Would you be looking for the next adventure?

Would you be doing something that made a difference to the people and animals around you?

Would you find the first mandate humanity was given and follow through with that?

How would you spend what is left of your Time?

In the past few years, everyone has experienced the sudden loss of a loved one, colleague, friend, neighbour, family member, or even lost something of yourself. 

No one is immune to the experience death and loss brings. No longer can anyone on this planet say they have empathy without understanding for someone who has lost someone dear. No longer can we say we do not know the taste of poverty, sickness, hardship, or heartache. No longer can we fail to understand what the planets impoverished and poor live with every day, human or animal.

Two things in life are no respecter for persons, popularity, wealth, health, or position.

Time and Death.

Death will knock on your door when you least expect it. When that happens, you will no longer have Time.

Until that happens, what are you doing with your Time?

Is it something worth doing?

Are you spending your Time by existing or living?

I choose to live … I decide to use my Time to inspire, love, be generous with my blessings, be the best version of me to enhance not only my life but the lives of those in my world.

Make your decision before you run out of Time.

It has been some time since I last wrote about my journey. It has not been one of ease nor a path of fantastic events. Throughout the past weeks, the sense of being rushed overwhelmed me sometimes to the point of returning to old habits. No sooner is it Sunday afternoon I blink and a week has gone past and its Sunday afternoon once more. The cycle continues without anything happening, except the panicky rush to “get things done”. All the while, I wonder what is being achieved. 

Then Coronavirus appeared, and the world came to the realisation that what we do with our lives is more important than who we impress. We realised that those who care for us and feed us are more important than the famous who don’t have a positive effect on our lives and the continuance of those lives. We realised that there is little we can do for those who decide to act on a misguided belief they are invincible. We understand that the pace we are living our lives is too fast for our health. 

In South Africa, we are in lockdown. We can only leave our homes for essentials, meaning food and medical care. The rest of the time we are to be inside making sure we remain healthy, keep our homes, clothes and environment sanitised and of course, ourselves and families fed.

Businesses have closed. 

Schools have closed. 

People are hearing so many things that are conflicting and worrisome. We are now on day four of the twenty-one-day lockdown. I’m already feeling calmer, more focused and looking around at what is in my home that needs attending.

It amazed me when looking through drawers, packed shelves and cupboards the number of items I found to fix up things in my home. Be creative. Sort through and either, throw away, give away or store away. The three simple rules of de-cluttering.  During these tasks, I found myself finding a level of control I had lost. It was liberating to know that what was in my home was needed, of use and something that could make my environment better and more inspirational. 

It got me to thinking of being smarter in sorting my kitchen wall unit, for instance. It is made of pine a beautiful golden wood when varnished. The monthly scrubbing it gets only wears the varnish thinner. Light bulb moment …

The clear shelf contact I found in the “I’ll get to” box will save a lot of worries. Methodically I begin to clear, clean (and now sanitise) each shelf, make sure it is absolutely dry before cutting the contact to size and sticking it on. The job is arduous, and there is a lot of time in between getting the shelf dry. While waiting, I begin the task of sorting through what was on the shelf. I’m astounded to find I fall in the category of a small-time hoarder.   

Even if you think you have it altogether something pops up somewhere, keeping you humble. Reminding you that even you don’t always know what is in your home. 

Its time to do just that.  

Over the following days of lockdown, I commit doing at least one thing to bring inspiration, order and control to my environment before settling to write for the day on NaNo Camp. 

The general buzz fills the air as the questions flow between each person in the milling group. The pertinent question everyone wants to know is “how was your weekend?” I watch as a silent competition starts between the assembled group. Everyone seems to require to have a better weekend, a more adventurous weekend, a more exciting weekend. At one stage that would have been me. Trying to “fit in” and be part of the gang, be accepted, have space and group to call my own.
It wasn’t that long ago I would have been part of the group feeling awkward about having nothing exciting or life-changing to contribute. Being scoffed at because my life as a single mother revolved around my son. In contrast, others attended parties, or entertained groups of people, or going off on some great outing. Today I realise it for what it is a soft form of bullying.
The need to harass someone who is different or doesn’t come up to someone else idea of perfection or expectation. So what is to be done to bring the different person in line? The world currency of ridicule, scoffing, belittling, making fun of, making them doubt their decisions. Call it what it is. Abuse.

I was one of those different people. I knew how those being tortured were feeling. I had lived with the “kids being kids” all my life, unable to defend myself and not knowing how. Adults telling me that one day it would be better or being punished because I reacted by punching the person.
Today I still feel that anxiety just thinking about being put in this position over and over and over again as I lived a single mothers life. Breathing in, I hold my breath a moment, picturing all that tension gathering into the breath. When my body doesn’t feel any more stress or anxiety, I let it go, and my shoulders relax, my mind clears. I tell myself that my choices are my own. If I decided to spend my weekend in my PJ’s with my cats, my family, eating leftovers from the Friday night cooking spree, watching movies or TV shows, playing board games or watching the sunrise and sunset. That is my decision and it is what I needed at that moment.

The inevitable question comes from the group bully as the swaggering egotistically form makes its way to me. Stopping just in front of me, demanding my attention, which I ignore and continue preparing for my day. I see the shuffle of feet in my peripheral vision and still, I ignore the pretentious tormenter. Eventually, the courtesy of addressing me by name is extended my way. Only then do I give my attention to any enquiry made. The weekend question is asked with a prominent sneer.
I do not answer immediately.
Instead, I pick up a stack of papers and move to the nearby drawers to put them away.
“I asked you a question,” is drummed into my space and my hearing. I refuse to buckle under the intimidating way the words are spoken.
Finishing my task, I turn to the furious, presumptuous, overbearing person expecting an answer worthy of sneering. Slowly walking toward them, I keep eye contact. Today, enough is enough.
“I heard your question, but I also heard the sneer,” I stop a little way from them, “I can answer any time I like or not at all. You will be patient for my answer should I choose to give it. But I don’t think you deserve to know what I did with my time in the past two days as the only thing you want to do with it is pull it apart to make yourself feel better or more superior. What I do on my weekend has nothing to do with someone like you.”

Closing my drawer, I continued to gather the required items for the first meeting of the day. A feeling of liberation and relief running through my veins as I realised what I should have years ago. Information about my life is privileged and only needs to be known about by those who care about, are genuine in their interest and love me for who I am … nerdette deluxe.
Walking past the gapping, staring, blustering person, I walk into the meeting room and find a chair.

Through the years, I have relived many moments when someone tries to manipulate or intimidate another they perceive as weak or gentle or an easy target.
When life gets tough, and I feel obligated to buckle under the bullying of an intimidating manipulator. I remember that moment when I defined who and how the story of my life would be told. There are moments which stick with you forever and then there are the moments when you stand up for yourself. Making yourself proud of the person you are. If you can stand up for yourself, you can stand up for others who have not yet seen they can do it for themselves.
Part of my mission in Saving Me is to stand up for the areas in me that are overwhelmed, feeling bullied, intimated or manipulated. Regions that are crying out to be heard. This journey is about giving myself a holistic voice to be heard.

How does one go about being heard and by whom?

I decided it was time to start looking into the “how-to” and see what needed to be done. In my research, I came across some bizarre names that people like me are called. Such as hypersensitivity personalities or empathic personalities or emotional-hypersensitive personality. Wading through the articles and surveys, reading what one so-called expert has to say and another expert has to say it all boils down to something so simple. I see things, understand things, can predict things that others don’t or won’t and basically feel everything around me all the time. Someone like that should be living in a quieter world than we have at the moment.

I am more practical when tackling issues in my life, so I took to doing what I do best.  Make a list.

Step One:

• Listen to yourself.  
• Understand yourself.  
• Know yourself.  
• Be with yourself.  
• Learn who you are.
• What you like and dislikes? 
• What are your boundaries? 
• What do you want to do with your time

Step Two :

• Address all of these points in step one individually and spend time getting to know who you are. 
•  If you feel you already know who you are, test yourself. 
•  Write down everything you think you know about yourself. It doesn’t have to be an essay or thesis simple bullet points with one line sentences will do.

Step Three:

• If you have any doubt about any of the points in the previous step, take the time to answer each one thoroughly. 
• You cannot move forward if you do not know yourself.  

Some of the articles I read added that you need to know how strong you are to accomplish this journey. Pondering this I couldn’t help but wonder if this point was correct. How does anyone know how strong they are?

Then a quote came to me: “You never know how strong you are until it’s your only choice.” Bob Marley

Take the time you need for yourself. Learn who you are and love yourself. In the words of Helen Keller.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”

I woke this morning with renewed energy. Yesterday the enormous job of hand washing our Rogz Cat beds was accomplished. The achievement feels … liberating, energising, affirming in the accomplishment of one of my goals. On my percentage rating of yesterday, I would give it a solid 100%. Holistically it was a perfect day.  

My eating habits stayed within range: alcohol and junk food consumption 0%.   

Pacing my activities so my body could keep up with what was required – 100%. 

Asking for assistance – I did. 

Asking for help may not seem like a big thing to some of you but independent people who have had to do it all for themselves for a long time, find it hard to ask for help. It almost feels as though asking for help is admitting you are a failure and weak. I came to learn that if you ask the right people for assistance, it can be a strengthening experience. 

Getting to bed on time – I was a few minutes late, but I was asleep by ten. I noted it an area needing work. 

The funk I was feeling when waking in the last week has slowly lifted. Today I have a plan, and I’m working through it.  It is time to put on music and get moving on working through my frustrations. Today I choose to be procrastination free.

Its nine in the morning and I smile at myself in the mirror of the bathroom. I took this area and decluttered.
Starting in the shower and getting rid of all the empty shower gel containers, rusty razor blades and random nonessential shower items that somehow get into the racks hanging in the shower.
I pondered how empty shower gel containers in the rack in the shower was any help to personal hygiene instead of being in the recycle bin. Never the less I added these items to the toilet roll inners lined up in perfect military style on top of the drawers standing between the bath and toilet. A quick rinse of the bathtub had revealed more recyclable goods and the pile grew. Finally, all stacked together, I picked up my armful of literal junk and deposited into the recycle bin.
The bathroom felt more open, as though it, as a room, could breathe. After cleaning those necessary items, shower, toilet and basin, I mopped the floor and voila. The bathroom was less frustrating than it had been. Inspiration hit and I pulled out my set of shell accessories that had been in storage since the middle of December last year.
New beginnings required new inspiration. They would go beautifully with my blue walls, beige tiles and white sanitary equipment.
It felt good.
It felt rejuvenating.
It felt wonderful.
It may be a bathroom, but it had become a space I would want to be. An area I wouldn’t mind hovering a while to relax or unwind. Ideas flared through my mind of what would make it better. Time to write it down. Time to allow my creativity to flow.
Hugging myself gleefully I close the door on the creative space I have made and make ready to tackle the next one.

The Kitchen naturally became the next room as I feed the household, load dishwasher and washing machine with the items for each appliance — dishes into the dishwasher and laundry into the washing machine.
Hunger flares and I find leftovers from last nights dinner. Hooray! Bruch it is. The concocted salad from the night before is delicious cold and hot — a recipe for the family recipe file.
Now to remember what I did.
An idea sparks as my Grandmothers words float through my head, “waste not, want not”. I smile in remembrance of the hours of baking, cooking and food prepping. At the tender age of seven, these “menial” tasks were mine to do, but I remember her voice as she instructed me in the creative art of cooking and baking.
Right now, I smile and get the Sh’zen Hand wash containers I emptied into my shell hand wash containers. The Sh’zen plastic containers still have some hand wash in, fantastic. Filling them with water, I shake and Voila!! Handwash available for use at the kitchen sink. It may not be the thick, luxurious handwash before the added water, but it does the job and smells so good. The idea is to work around the room decluttering and cleaning as I go.

The ankle tendon begins to ache. The nerves twitch and twinge. Pulling out my ankle guard in the form of a sock, I pull it one and relief sighs from my lips. The added support helps, and I find the next thing to attend to is the veggie rack.
Food wastage is something I dislike, and before frozen vegetable are used in food, I go through the fresh veggies. Sadly some of the veggies I cannot use and dispose of them. Those I can use I find a recipe for and make a list of everything I do not have. A quick to the store for only those items and one, two, three … soup for dinner is cooking.
The idea for each room is to work through everything on the counters, floor and bags and either use, put away, throw away or give away. Although I could skim over the cleaning of each room, it would not serve the purpose of making a space that held no clutter and made room for creativity.
Dinner is cooking, and I return to the dishwasher, to unpack yet another load and refill with more dishes. It has always astounded me how many you can find when you clean up properly. I’m sure they hideaway waiting for your remark that everything is done and then show themselves.

Reminding myself to pace myself, I look at the to-do list, marking off everything accomplished today. I am amazed at how much has been completed. It’s three in the afternoon, and I need a cup of coffee. Checking my water app, there is a reminder from me to drink a required amount, and my body agrees. Its time to sit, write and rest for a while. I look at the list and work out what can be down over the weekend. It is achievable. The journey of Saving Me will continue, later on, today or tomorrow.

Sitting in the cool of the morning, predawn and today that would be just before four in the morning. My mind roams, thoughts ramble while I stare at the open space in front of our complex. The wind gently bends the growing green-brown grass, while rustling the leaves of the small plants growing and that is when the plan fell into place.
Taking stock of my journey to this point, I inhale deeply before releasing the breath into the silence.
So far, I had control in the area of what I drink and eat. I have control over what I’m attending to during the day. I’m taking time to rest and allow my body and mind to be and I’m making my body move.
So far.
So good.

Now, to address the creative dampening clutter.

Today I sit in front of my laptop, my choice as my brain works faster than my fingers can write, open a clean word processing page in Libre Office and head it.

Thursday 23 January and Friday 24 January 

TO DO LIST

Starting with the least overwhelming room, I write everything that needs to be seen to, fixed, organised or cleaned. For instance, the Bathroom, the bath overflows with cat beds needing washing, I have an A+ for the procrastination course which has been running over for a month.
Hand wash only puts a damper on getting to the project, but today and tomorrow that is what will happen. Any laundry lying around is meeting the washing machine, and the quick general clean of the Bathroom will happen. Once I have put down every overwhelming thing I can think of I move onto the next room that is foremost in my mind and make a list of what needs attending in that room.
The lists for all the rooms stare back at me from the page. Its time to feed me and get ready to visit a friend. Time away from everything also clears the cobwebs and refreshes the soul.
I have a to-do list set for the next two days. I remind myself to pace the activities and make sure that the required tasks happen without draining my energies or pushing myself too far too fast. Taking a room a day is acceptable as long as whatever is on the list gets done.

These lists for each room is like a living thing; they can be added to or diminished as life goes on, and tasks need to be added and get finished.
At the beginning of each month, I am starting a new list, carrying over anything unfinished from the previous month, this may be frustrating at first, but in doing this, it is easier to see what tasks I am procrastinating over and avoiding.
The idea is to address the old tasks first before going on to anything new. In this way, there is no chance of “missing” anything that needs completing.
Who knows new categories may even be found such as “fixing items” or “household maintenance”.

Putting everything on paper is the first step to gaining control over the environment I live in, some of it makes me want to hyperventilate, some of it is frustrating, but I know that all of it will get done. One item at a time. Who knows perhaps I’ll be able to do two at a time. For instance, wash the cat’s beds while washing the laundry. Technology rocks!!
My list is in an electronic format which keeps me from adding to the clutter I’m working through; it inspires me to scan all my necessary but non-essential paperwork such as receipts, bills etc. This way, I only keep what is required.
With anything new, starting somewhere is crucial. Tackling anything as a whole will make the most determined person run from the hills.
Making lists helps to see the actual tasks to be completed, allowing me to recognise the bite-size chunks to work through toward the end goal. Making it manageable is the first step to SAVING ME.
During the early hours of the day, it helped to determine what I needed to make my environment suitable for better creativity. That determined decision is what will drive procrastination from the game and bring a renewed energy to the process.

When doing one item entirely before moving to the next, the overwhelming feeling of drowning in things to do disappears. At this moment, I am doing one task, and I have complete control over this moment.
My water app drops a drip, letting me know its time I need to hydrate. Although it gives me a small amount, I need to drink my body tells me something different.
Another step in taking back what is lost, listen to your body. I decide to drink a full 500ml, and my body sings with appreciation. My task for today regarding food and drink becomes clearer, only water, tea and coffee, while eating as many veggies and salads as possible. Pulling up my task list again, I add “find tasty fun looking salad recipes”.
Doing this feels good.
Doing this feels right.
Strangely this feels creative.
Now off to do the necessary shopping, visit my friend and return to tackle a task on the list. I think the bathroom is an excellent place to start. Manageable. Least overwhelming and the results are tangible.

Its one in the afternoon and I have done two of the three tasks from the paragraph above. I need to have some sustenance, and the third task will begin. I spot some Morrocon Sweet Potatoe Salad and grin. Yummy.
Today will be a good day, and I have a choice in which way it can go.

In any process, we are told acknowledgement of the issues at hand is the first step to solving, resolving or recovering.
What is it we need to solve, resolve or recover?
Looking at my list, I found it covered several issues and challenges. In moments like this, all the self-help advice thunders through your brain and in minutes you have a tension headache trying to wrap your head around everything that needs attending.
In my minds-eye, I look up seeing myself back at that space on the well-used road in the feel-good, don’t care world. Strangling the feeling of fear and anxiety welling up inside and making me want to reach for a crutch, I breathe. Deeply. In and out. Close my eyes and repeat until I feel in control.
No, that technique is not just for yoga classes. It helps.
Looking at my list once more, I recite my rule list. Reminding myself to take one day at a time.
Live moment by moment.
Breathe.
Take one challenge at a time.

I look at my list again

Always being sick or injured
Frustration with constant clutter and mess
Energyless
Overweight and feeling self-conscious about myself
Unorganised and continually trying to get organised
Overwhelmed
Alone
No fun or inspiration – bored
Feel unsuccessful with my passion
Need to earn enough money

One challenge at a time.
Picking up my clipboard, I look at my form with three columns.
Problem. Solution. Daily Tasks.
On my laptop, I open the table. Date it. Then I look at my list of overwhelming challenges. I only have to pick one, just one for today.
Around me is clutter, every surface has way too much on it. It’s a practical place to start, and it will give a sense of having control.
In the modern age we live, households should be beyond the archaic view of the woman does everything, or since you work at home, you can keep everything clean and tidy. The overwhelming task of ploughing through the constant housework, washing and cooking of meals leaves very little time for my passion, Writing. Deadlines loom, and the creativity that needs to flow disappears under the constant drudge of the daily requirements of being left alone in running a home. The consistent expectation of serving with a smile and not complain. Seeing the laundry and dishes pile up unattended because you don’t get to it, meals not cooked because you are busy with other things or trying to get to work that is so behind you push yourself until you have nothing left.
You find yourself sitting alone, on the living room couch, sipping a drink that is not always non-alcoholic, holding tightly to your emotions and swallowing the tears of frustration. Your Super Woman cape hangs shredded, and you are so tired you are wired. Sleep and food don’t seem to make a regular appearance in your daily life. You feel their absence and reach for a crutch to help you through the moment.
Just the thought of this makes me want to hyperventilate.
Again, I breathe deeply, long and allow the tension to evaporate. Procrastination is a constant companion as I look at the frustrations and challenges that need attending.
Today I need to put together a dairy or work plan or calendar showing what needs to happen at what time during the day.
My problem for today … Balance.
It is necessary to be restoring balance while I get to the long list of everything that makes my life overwhelming to live, to cope with and to enjoy.

Balance.

We hear about it in life-work-balance. It becomes a quest to find it when we’re in School, College and University. The saying “everything in moderation” is flung around in all areas but no one explains the “how-to” of obtaining the tricky art form of balance.
After reading articles on the internet and reading medical blogs all about balance, which give me a headache, I came to a conclusion finding it for me is up to me.
To begin with, I wrote down everything I do during each day over a week. Remembering I needed to rest and breathe, have time for fun I left out Saturday and run my week from Sunday to Friday. Now for the tricky art of finding enough time for everything on the list that needs to fit into six days, remembering I need at least nine hours of sleep. Time to try it out for a week or two.

It didn’t go well.
I was doing a lot, which felt fantastic, but I was either starving all the time, thirsty or exhausted after eating. The rollercoaster either made me wired or too tired to function.
Now that I had the “to do” part sorted out the quest for balance continued into the menu, types of food, and when I ate.
During this time of finding my feet with this journey for balance, I realised we need it in every area of our lives. Not just those that society dictates.

Every area of my life. That sound like a few projects I could jot down.

Reminding myself of the rules once more, I begin with Sunday and start with the time I wake up. In Cape Town, South Africa, the sun rises as early as 5am and goes down as late as 8:30pm. Keeping this in mind I slowly going through each hour of the day before moving to the next day.
The weekly calendar/planner looks ready for use with the addition of food options for meals, including times for enjoying.
Yes, it does sound profoundly anal. You forget life to this point in my life has been a chaotic rush from one point to point with little to no intention.
Looking at the list once more, I highlight the issues addressed today.

Finding more balance in:
Daily living
Food – what can and should be eaten daily
Organising the time available to me for attending to matters which arrive in my life.
Finding control for what I put into my body and how
Making time to exercise even though recovering from a torn ankle tendon.
Looking at possibilities and opportunities to better my environment and reduce the clutter

It’s terrific to address the subjects above, but the follow-through is in the day to day living. Other things need to be worked on and maintained.
Mindset.
Attitude.
Knowing how dedicated you are to the journey.
Drive.
Determination.
Discipline.
Follow through.
All of these are necessary to keep you going through the hard times ahead. Even while procrastination sits on your shoulder like an evil version of yourself telling you all of this can be done tomorrow. Perhaps it is time to put him or her back on the train back to where you came from.
Determine what your goals are … find a way you can achieve them that is obtainable and stick to it.
Yep, that is my chant for today … I’m going to make a song out of it somewhere along the line, I have no problem with that. It’s creative. I need creative.
Today I have control over the process.
Today I can make some changes.
Today I can look at myself and affirm my beauty, my brains, my determination and resolve.
Today I shall succeed.

During the day, I waver a little. Breathing deeply, I remind myself that a journey such as this is a path to be found in the jungle of life. It is uncharted waters or a forest requiring bushwacking. A scene from those movies where the characters take a “wrong turn” and need to go back to find their way.
This journey is mine, and I shall find ways to make a path to the goals I require to a better me.