Author: Maggie

It’s week two …

Doing this week one day at a time has been something that has helped me get through what feels like a mammoth task. Trying to accomplish the few things I’ve put down on an accountability list seems like a huge mountain to climb, but having the “just for today” attitude has helped me get through until one day, I tried and sat staring at myself, trying to get my mind and body to move, coordinate and listen to the brain. Neither was interested.

What do you do then?

Throw in the towel and give up?

Absolutely not!

I took a step back and acknowledged that I needed to reevaluate what I was doing and how I was doing it. Hugging myself, I told myself it was okay. I decided to look at the list and do what I could. Finally, after much deliberation with myself, I decided to take the day off and do one of those things on the list that the body and mind don’t mind doing. It came down to something surprising … reading. So that is what I did … rest and that one thing.

People think that rest is a cop-out on the health and fitness journey, but it really isn’t. It’s all part of it. The “experts” in the field say that you should rest only one out of seven days in the week, but that may not be for everyone. If you’re starting out on a journey to get ripped and develop stamina that rivals a marathon runner, resting one day out of seven may not be enough for you. Who knows better than you what your body needs to accomplish the end goal? You may need to rest a little more often. Many people follow a weekly workout routine, using 7 days, but how about putting the month’s dates on a spreadsheet and marking a rest day every three or four days, regardless of the actual calendar day?

Yes, you need to build discipline and routine but don’t make the mistake of building around something generic or one-size-fits-all. There is a routine that will suit you and help you, so try everything before you settle on anything. You’ll know the moment when everything clicks, and you have the positive sensation of “this will work for me”. Start with what you can manage and build that routine and discipline before moving to the next level.

How long will that take?

Heaven knows, but you’ll know when you find yourself working out or, going on an extra-long walk, or doing more online workouts or longer workouts, all because you need that extra stretch. The surprise will come when you mark it off as complete, only to find it was supposed to be a rest day. After doing that at least three times, don’t stop … that is a natural step up. Instead, change the schedule. Take a rest day, add that workout day, and keep building until you’re comfortable. This may look different from the rest of the pack. That is okay. Different is how it is meant to be, not a cliched, uniform way of getting there. Everyone’s road is different, and each person’s journey presents varied challenges. But you don’t all get to the destination the same way at the same time doing the same thing.

Once you have your routine locked in and are building that discipline, remember that life loves throwing things at you – stress, out-of-the-blue emergencies – I’m sure you can add a lot more to the list. The best thing to do when that happens is not succumb to those challenges and circumstances. The best thing to do is – something – a five-minute walk around the block or a quick ten-minute online workout, whatever it is … do something to keep that momentum going and the discipline in place.

What are you eating?

Are you mindlessly shoving food in your mouth?

Are you allowing peer pressure to dictate what you consume?

Are you even aware that you’re eating?

Food is an essential part of what happens to our bodies. If we do not have the correct fuel in the engine, the motor won’t run. So, what is the fuel you’re putting in your body?

How processed is it?

Do the supposed experts tell you this is what you need to eat to be “healthy”?

Are you really healthy?

How many pills are the medical profession telling you to take to “get better”?

Here’s a thought: start with what you’re allowing to go into your mouth.

What isn’t whole? Make a list of everything in your pantry, freezer and fridge. If it had to be mixed with something, it would be processed. Get rid of it, and don’t purchase it again.

What isn’t grown? Anything that is marked healthy but comes in a wrapper … get rid of it, that falls into the “processed non-healthy” section. Look for things that are straight from the farm. That is what you aim to have in your pantry and fridge.

What oils are you using? Seed oils are processed at such high temperatures they are toxic to the body, so don’t use them in the food that you eat. Natural oils, which are naturally designed to withstand high heat, are what you need: coconut oil, olive oil, and butter/ghee, yes, butter. Despite how the medical profession advises against it, butter is better than most oils out there.

Want to fry something? Use coconut oil.

Want some flavour in your food? Use butter

Want an aromatic salad dressing? Make your base out of olive oil.

Make a list of everything you put in your mouth, and then go from there. Start regaining your health by going back to what was created at the beginning of time for us to eat. Know your food and the process of how it gets to you.

Start looking for what you can make at home. It’s beneficial in so many ways. Firstly, you know what you’re eating, and secondly, you decide what you use to make it. Plus, your body will love you for it.

To make the journey, your mind has to be on board. The battle really starts there; your thoughts determine your actions and attitude.

What are you thinking?

You may ask, thinking about what? But that’s just it; it really covers everything.

What do you think about yourself, and how do you see yourself?

What do you think about what happens around you?

How do you allow what happens around you to determine what you think about yourself and your journey?

Are you going to accept everything you hear, see and feel as the absolute about yourself?

Do you know who you are?

“What a man thinks so is he…” is a quote that many people throughout the world repeat. It’s an absolute truth that you need to acknowledge and capture on paper to truly understand how much you don’t know is going on in your own mind.

Journal what you think and feel about things that happen in your day and find out the trend of your own mind. This is a good starting point that may come as a surprise. Are you truly that positive person you think you are, or do negative thoughts pop up when someone teases you or tells you you haven’t accomplished something to a specific standard?

Change what you say about yourself. Instead of calling yourself derogatory names, start with something positive, kind, and uplifting.

If you’re struggling to accomplish something, don’t say you can’t do it; change it to say … today I’m going to be one step closer to being amazingly good at doing this.

Encourage yourself to think well of yourself. Find things that you love about yourself and get to know the amazing person you are, not what society has branded you as, but who you were created to be, the way you are and learn what your passions, skills and talents are.

Through all of this, know one thing … every one of us is created to accomplish different things and be different from everyone else. It’s the way we were designed, and by allowing ourselves to be conformed to a mass production of flesh to be handled, manipulated and extorted, we are allowing ourselves to diminish the fantastic things we were called to accomplish and do. We have been designed as a beautiful jigsaw puzzle to uplift and love one another… when one of us doesn’t do what we are called to do, everyone feels it.

Value yourself!

Take that step today to discover your path to physical wholeness and fitness. Step out of the industrial line and know yourself from the core out, learn who you are and what you’re capable of and determine today to be that amazing person you’re designed to be.

It’s week one …

I’m sitting here and thinking of what? Nearing the end of the fifth month of the year, it doesn’t feel like a typical first week to my perfectionist’s mind, which needs everything in line, categorised, and well-organised so that anyone can walk in and see whatever they need whenever they need it. But it’s week one after a life-changing decision, one that can happen whenever and wherever you wish. Honestly, you never see it coming until it’s right on top of you. The crossroads are there when you wake up, and today is the day you have to take a direction.

Life changes so quickly, and if we’re smart, we learn so we can be better at it as our age churns ever higher. We need to understand that ageing is a privilege; not everyone has that opportunity. How we age is up to each of us. We can live on highly processed foods created from chemicals and in a lab, or we can look to the farmer and eat whole foods that have been around since the World’s creation.

Spending time learning how to age gracefully while remaining strong and healthy has been a journey of discovery, understanding and self-discovery. The knowledge and understanding of the mass manipulation we’ve been exposed to since birth, going back for decades and realising that we have a choice to eat processed unhealthy foods (regardless of how they are marketed) and pander to the business and medical institutions that have no idea how to fix the poisoning damage done or we can decide to consume fresh whole foods that give life.

Starting that journey was wonderful, and experiencing what these decisions from the cornerstones of a healthy mind, body and soul could really do for the “Tomorrow” you felt amazing. However, the notion that you have it entirely under control is a myth. Life can hit your shores like the constant battering waves in a storm.

All that work you’ve done, everything you’ve learned takes a backseat as you react to everything that is happening around you … to you … in you … the foundation of your World shakes, and old nightmares arise, old triggers appear and before you know it you’re back to making those bad decisions you walked away from. Why? Why not use the plans you’ve put into place for this precise time. In the eye of this storm, you have a moment to breathe and realise that you did use those plans, but they were not meant for this Tsunami that hit your life. They were meant for a short moment in time until you could find your feet and move on. You find yourself clinging to a few good habits like a life raft, praying that somewhere along the line, you’ll feel the rising ground under your feet, but it’s not coming. You’re adrift, clinging to the last strands of all you’ve worked for and using excuses for your bad decisions until you wake up at those crossroads and realise this is the time you have to stop pretending and drag yourself back into that life raft, catch your breath, find your direction and start paddling toward those good decisions where land is waiting along with a better version of you.

Moving back toward a healthy body and mind is like an addict having to realise all those yummy treats so convenient, so easy to obtain can no longer be part of your daily decisions. It can no longer have that sickening hold on you. Finally, you have to decide to stop being manipulated by the manufacturers and so-called health industry that sell so-called healthy foods that are more toxic to your cell functionality than a glass of bubbly or gin and water.

My crossroads arrived … my choices were to be a vegetable at the age of 80 or be an independent, strong woman who could dress herself, cook her own meals, and take long walks to stay healthy. I was tired of living on tomorrow’s health, and my decision was clear. Turning in the direction of those good decisions has been a difficult mental week of making better choices. Instead of having that glass of red, which I know will end up being the entire bottle, I replace it with a glass of coconut water or freshly squeezed citrus juice in filtered water. No, you don’t get the kick, but something else happens: your body appreciates you more. Starts talking to you more, and finally, you’re connected again.

How has this week been? Hard.

How has my health been? Detoxing and experiencing every bug that has been hiding behind the highly processed, convenient, and toxic foods sold in stores has not been fun. My body is now free to fight what it knows shouldn’t be there instead of seeing everything in it as an enemy.

How has my nutrition been? A work in progress. Roasting chicken drumsticks and having them as a snack, or perhaps a handful of nuts, is a healthier alternative to having crisps and sugar-loaded sweets and chocolates. Feeding your body with protein is what it needs. Your body functions on every level, from protein, so … feed it what it needs, and it will look after you.

Have all junk food items been eradicated? Not yet, but instead of having large bars of chocolate, minibars are in their place. Knowing your weaknesses helps you work through the issue and strive to completely eliminate unnecessary harmful items from your diet.

How has my movement been? Wandering through houses to find the one that will suit you to move to and then working through all the items in your current home to prepare for moving while preparing the current home for selling … currently, that is all the moving I’m doing. I would love to have a moment in the day when I’m not working, packing, cleaning, sorting, decluttering or donating. While sitting and noting what is not currently being done in this part of my life, the lack of movement, such as taking a walk, is evident. Therefore, my trusty YouTube channels, featuring health and fitness experts, are at my disposal. Recognising that my body is no longer where it used to be, I aim to find a low-impact, gentle walking workout and a strength training session. Then, schedule it to do daily.

Scheduling everything that is happening in my life helps. Bills get paid on x date. Grocery and food shopping occurs on Y date or day, and so on. Gaining control over what can be controlled is the key to regaining your footing. Some days, you feel like you’re still rowing toward those good decisions, but you are in the boat, and that is a good start. Don’t give up. Be aware of your thoughts; these lead to actions, and actions make the habits that are good or bad.

This is week one, happening in the raw… look out for week two and hopeful more progress to come.

Life throws so much at us all the time, in every way. It’s information overload, the high frequencies put out there so the world can go faster, do more, be more, and achieve more. But in trying to meet the expectations of those running the science lab of life, we forget that we don’t have to be on that treadmill.

We have a choice to say … this doesn’t work for me. It’s not who I am or what I want; I don’t believe or trust that. We can also choose by saying … I do trust or believe in …. (add your own words).

The power of thought is everything.

The power of choice is uniquely ours.

We can only be controlled when we believe we don’t have the power of choice. When we allow others to dictate what we will do, eat, say, be, wear, or go, we give away the essence of who we were designed to be.

We give away the gifts, passions, talents and abilities we were born with.

In the journey of Saving Me, it has come home hard that even what I allow to trigger is my choice. But to get to that point, it takes many steps toward acknowledging that you have a trigger, what it is, why it’s there, and what you will allow it to damage in your life or anyone else…

…. it’s your choice.

No, it’s not easy. It doesn’t happen overnight. It doesn’t present itself tied up in a bow, neatly presented in bite-size pieces for you to understand, acknowledge, learn more about, and finally put in where it’s supposed to be, in the open for you to remember that you’re only human and it has no hold on you.

It usually jumps out at you, slamming into you when you least expect it. There may be days when the stress levels are so high, and you’re so tired that you don’t know what day of the week it is, the overwhelming sense of having too much on your plate or in your life or simply just … too much … and … BOOM!!

Hello Trigger.

Without realising it, you’re binge eating, drinking a whole bottle of wine, eating numerous slabs of chocolate or abusing yourself physically,

When you come to realise, “wake up” and see what you’ve done, consumed, not done, don’t remember … then comes the crippling guilt, hate, anger … probably a ton more emotions, and the cycle begins again. But when you have had enough of the cycle.

What do you do?

We can recite what “they” say, the supposed experts on the subject, but have they lived through what you have? Have they experienced what you have? You see … just like them … we don’t know. But here is the scary question.

How much do you love yourself?

Can you look yourself in the mirror and give yourself a high five? Tell yourself you’re beautiful? Send yourself flowers with a card that says things like “I love you”, “You’re amazing”, or “No matter what is happening, you can handle it.”

No? Not even close?

Start small.

Every time you see yourself, smile, wave and say something cute like “looking good gorgeous.”

Write a list of things you’d like sent to you; I call it “A Self-Love list”. Then, once a week, pick something and send it to yourself, and every time you cross it off, you add something decadent for you to the list. Everyone is different, and everyone’s list will look different, but you’re appreciating yourself. You are different! You’re unique, memorable and never alone. That last part is true. Even if you think you are alone, you’re not. There is always someone to reach out to.

So now that you appreciate who you are and compliment yourself look in the mirror into your own eyes, see yourself, and high-five yourself. Sure, it sounds stupid or corny, but every time you acknowledge that you got this, you’re doing well, and you did it … something will shift.

The most significant step to loving yourself is acknowledging that you are worth appreciating, high-fiving, treating, complimenting and putting in the work to be a better version of yourself.

Once you realise that, where does a trigger or trauma play any part in your life? It doesn’t, because you know you’re better than that. You’re more worthy than what happened; you’ve worked through it, understand what it is, and have learned that it has nothing to do with you.

Now, wrap your arms around you and squeeze. Yes, give yourself a hug. Why?

Because … you’re loved, unique and worth it.

Loss. Bone deep, heart-wrenching pain leaving you staring dry-eyed while you scream inside. There is nothing anyone can say or do or try that will bring you back from it until you feel the jerk of your heartbeat and you inhale deeply enough that your lungs work.
It doesn’t have to be something huge like someone you lost or something you lost. It could be simple enough as a friendship or a treasured item, but the kind of loss causes elemental pain.

Remember a few things: it’s okay to feel, grieve, and process. Just don’t obsess.

Give yourself a specific time frame to grieve. Go all out, ice cream, isolation, loads of tissues, loads of alcohol and sad movies that jerk those tears from your eyes. Allow yourself to do this all, but when the alarm clock chimes on the designated date, you need to stop … shower, shave and show up. This doesn’t mean that you bury how you feel or what some things mean to you … it means that you give a time and date to the end of your wallowing and then find meaning and purpose once again.
The process has value, but it doesn’t mean that you forget your loss. It means that you learn from it.
Learn the value of having that person in your life, remember the lessons you learnt, remember: the joy and the good times you had, that they live with you as a part of you, part of your past, part of what made you.

The key to moving on from grief is to allow yourself to love them even though they are gone.

Society dictates that you be strong. You do not allow your emotions to show; you do not allow yourself to feel.
Some cultures frown on emotions; they see them as a sign of weakness, but here is a thought.
Why were we designed to cry if emotions are a sign of weakness? Shed tears when we feel angry, sad, frustrated or overwhelmed?

Feeling emotions and displaying them is something we are all allowed to do. There are old sayings which we call cliches’ but where did they come from?
“men don’t cry.”
“Cowboys don’t cry.”
“emotions are private.”
Those who say these cliches are uncomfortable people intimidated by others who are brave enough to display emotion publically, who do not want to acknowledge that their actions produce feelings, which causes someone to cry.
It makes people remember to feel and acknowledge that others are affected by their thoughtless brutality.

Most of all. It reminds humanity that there is something else worth living for than themselves, frightening for most. For others, it’s a reminder of our purpose on this earth. We are not living for ourselves.

The best thing to do while recovering from a heart-wrenching loss is to focus on those who need more than you do. Be content with what you have and find how to help others less fortunate than yourself.

Mid-January and life is … life. Is there any other way to put it? The crazy season and all the festivities are over. The children are preparing to go back to school, teenagers to high school and young adults to embrace where ever their post-education path takes them. Everything is focused on the younger generations. What about those who are over 30?

Life is in chaos everywhere you look. Many people offer enough self-help that would get you into another life and world with words that churn like a raging storm through your mind. It’s an unending onslaught on the senses. Gone are the days where life was easy and slow. Everything is fast, instant, continuously moving, and there is no time to watch the grass grow, sunset or rise without a plan, a purpose or a cause. Why is there always a reason we do something instead of simply doing it because we want to experience what we are seeing, tasting, hearing or touching?

Contrary to what we are taught as children, there is nothing wrong with sitting still. There is nothing wrong with watching the sunrise or sunset, listening to the bird’s chirp, leisurely walking on a beach or through a forest. There is absolutely nothing wrong with sitting in your favourite coffee shop enjoying your favourite beverage. Time can stand still to your senses, and your body can relax in these moments. To be whole, we need these times.

Rising early before sunrise and allowing the silence of my home sink into my senses while drinking my favourite French Roast coffee is a moment I cherish. A favourite moment is when everyone is still sleeping. I get to do a quick exercise routine or enjoy a shower that makes me feel as though I’m standing under a waterfall in nature. Watching the sunrise in Summer while feeling the cool breeze of the nearby ocean brush against my face and play with my hair, tasting the salt on the air—all moments where beauty and nature engage the senses. Peace fills me, and my soul sighs while I smile at my good fortune to be able to engage all five of my senses in this beautiful world we have been gifted.

What makes you stop and be? What makes you smile and think today will be a good day.

Dawn woke the world with a cloud-filled sky and an icy chill in the air. The Gregorian calendar tells me it’s the first day of a new year, but deep within, it feels like another day to live, love, laugh, and be. Sadly, it takes everyone controlled by a killer virus, while governments implement more control over the world’s populations, for us to look around and realise we are in a bad place. Never mind the bad choices we have made regarding our eternal life.

We make resolutions we never keep. We abuse our bodies, minds and souls. Instead of having a relationship with the Creator who made us and made a solution to be part of His family, we stay busy with things. We willingly walk into a trap set by His enemy which we enjoy until it’s too late for us to get out. The cost of that trap is not having eternity with our Creator.

Fortunately, we wake the following day, have another chance to change, make changes by asking for forgiveness, and be spiritually, mentally, and soulistical cleaned. We have a chance at a new start; we can be different, allowing our minds and souls cleansing and renewal through His instruction, guidance and love. It is up to us to make that decision to allow Him to be part of our life.

He made us all with the ability of choice, and we squander that for the right to live; it has become a currency for others to control us. We have become like laboratory specimens. We are nothing more than assets that are expendable to other humans under the control of one who does not want us to have an eternity with our Creator.

The fight for our souls continues. We have become distracted from the enemies actual target. Instead of choosing to take back control over our hearts, souls, and minds, we are giving ourselves away. We are not making decisions with absolutes but with feelings and thoughts. We need to keep morality alive in the absolute of what’s right and wrong, instead of selling a piece of our soul with the selling pitch “do what makes you happy”.

The saying “knowledge is power” has never been more accurate than today. If you do not know the origin of why we are living like we are, find out. We are so far off the path this world was supposed to walk. Instead of happiness, joy, plenty for all, the purity and beauty God created was twisted and manipulated into something for men to control and harm others. It’s not what God meant our lives to be.

Fortunately, we still have a choice. God made us with that ability. If we choose to sell our souls to Satan, we do not have a life with God; instead, there will be one of pain and suffering for eternity. But we are protected and part of His family if we choose to live for God and have a relationship through His son Jesus Christ.

Do not be distracted. Be aware of what is happening. We are not alone or left to fend for ourselves. His book warns us, guides us and teaches us. He is with us if we ask it of Him. We know the enemy strategy and intent. We know in our hearts and souls we are under attack from evil. We know we just need to speak the words asking for help, forgiveness and redemption. We know we have the power to choose. Therefore, what choice you going to make?

MISSION: SAVING ME … TIME … MARCHES ON

Its been more than a year since the world was rocked at its foundation. What people thought was a way of life soon showed the ugliness of what humanity had become.

Selfish

Hard

Self-centred

Self-focused

Desperate to have more of things

Although this depressing thought would cover most humans, among it all sprung a wonderful surprise. People began putting down their phones, tablets and various digital play toys and really looked around. Social media started to show different views of the world. Instead of the self-centred selfies, the focus went from self to others, helping those who couldn’t help themselves.

Instead of the million posts of a persons day showing places frequented, events attended, and the superficial existence led. The world was enlightened about what others were doing, were going or not going, of those needing help within the neighbourhood or community and those who just needed a friend. To a point, faith in the goodness of humanity was restored.

Life became slower, more, richer. Instead of the daily rush of getting somewhere, doing something, to be “someone”. Life stood still, the planet could breathe, creation could find space and Time to be what they were meant to be, humanity had Time to notice the beauty and wonder around them. Yet, out of all of these realisations came one obvious thing.

Time is short.

Time.

The one thing that:

rules night and day

never stands still and

without it, we cannot define days, nights, seasons, months, weeks, years, or even moments.

It is something, an unseen living entity. When gone, it is irretrievable. Something so precious it is thought of as the ultimate gift. Something that people want more than anything else. Something that defines decisions, regrets, the aching heart or the elatedness of love.

Without it, there is nothing that defines the world we live in. However, if you have more of it on your hands, there is so much you can do.

If all the requirements of society were taken away, there were no worries, no cares and absolutely no financial commitments … what would you do?

Would you be looking for the next adventure?

Would you be doing something that made a difference to the people and animals around you?

Would you find the first mandate humanity was given and follow through with that?

How would you spend what is left of your Time?

In the past few years, everyone has experienced the sudden loss of a loved one, colleague, friend, neighbour, family member, or even lost something of yourself. 

No one is immune to the experience death and loss brings. No longer can anyone on this planet say they have empathy without understanding for someone who has lost someone dear. No longer can we say we do not know the taste of poverty, sickness, hardship, or heartache. No longer can we fail to understand what the planets impoverished and poor live with every day, human or animal.

Two things in life are no respecter for persons, popularity, wealth, health, or position.

Time and Death.

Death will knock on your door when you least expect it. When that happens, you will no longer have Time.

Until that happens, what are you doing with your Time?

Is it something worth doing?

Are you spending your Time by existing or living?

I choose to live … I decide to use my Time to inspire, love, be generous with my blessings, be the best version of me to enhance not only my life but the lives of those in my world.

Make your decision before you run out of Time.

It has been some time since I last wrote about my journey. It has not been one of ease nor a path of fantastic events. Throughout the past weeks, the sense of being rushed overwhelmed me sometimes to the point of returning to old habits. No sooner is it Sunday afternoon I blink and a week has gone past and its Sunday afternoon once more. The cycle continues without anything happening, except the panicky rush to “get things done”. All the while, I wonder what is being achieved. 

Then Coronavirus appeared, and the world came to the realisation that what we do with our lives is more important than who we impress. We realised that those who care for us and feed us are more important than the famous who don’t have a positive effect on our lives and the continuance of those lives. We realised that there is little we can do for those who decide to act on a misguided belief they are invincible. We understand that the pace we are living our lives is too fast for our health. 

In South Africa, we are in lockdown. We can only leave our homes for essentials, meaning food and medical care. The rest of the time we are to be inside making sure we remain healthy, keep our homes, clothes and environment sanitised and of course, ourselves and families fed.

Businesses have closed. 

Schools have closed. 

People are hearing so many things that are conflicting and worrisome. We are now on day four of the twenty-one-day lockdown. I’m already feeling calmer, more focused and looking around at what is in my home that needs attending.

It amazed me when looking through drawers, packed shelves and cupboards the number of items I found to fix up things in my home. Be creative. Sort through and either, throw away, give away or store away. The three simple rules of de-cluttering.  During these tasks, I found myself finding a level of control I had lost. It was liberating to know that what was in my home was needed, of use and something that could make my environment better and more inspirational. 

It got me to thinking of being smarter in sorting my kitchen wall unit, for instance. It is made of pine a beautiful golden wood when varnished. The monthly scrubbing it gets only wears the varnish thinner. Light bulb moment …

The clear shelf contact I found in the “I’ll get to” box will save a lot of worries. Methodically I begin to clear, clean (and now sanitise) each shelf, make sure it is absolutely dry before cutting the contact to size and sticking it on. The job is arduous, and there is a lot of time in between getting the shelf dry. While waiting, I begin the task of sorting through what was on the shelf. I’m astounded to find I fall in the category of a small-time hoarder.   

Even if you think you have it altogether something pops up somewhere, keeping you humble. Reminding you that even you don’t always know what is in your home. 

Its time to do just that.  

Over the following days of lockdown, I commit doing at least one thing to bring inspiration, order and control to my environment before settling to write for the day on NaNo Camp. 

The general buzz fills the air as the questions flow between each person in the milling group. The pertinent question everyone wants to know is “how was your weekend?” I watch as a silent competition starts between the assembled group. Everyone seems to require to have a better weekend, a more adventurous weekend, a more exciting weekend. At one stage that would have been me. Trying to “fit in” and be part of the gang, be accepted, have space and group to call my own.
It wasn’t that long ago I would have been part of the group feeling awkward about having nothing exciting or life-changing to contribute. Being scoffed at because my life as a single mother revolved around my son. In contrast, others attended parties, or entertained groups of people, or going off on some great outing. Today I realise it for what it is a soft form of bullying.
The need to harass someone who is different or doesn’t come up to someone else idea of perfection or expectation. So what is to be done to bring the different person in line? The world currency of ridicule, scoffing, belittling, making fun of, making them doubt their decisions. Call it what it is. Abuse.

I was one of those different people. I knew how those being tortured were feeling. I had lived with the “kids being kids” all my life, unable to defend myself and not knowing how. Adults telling me that one day it would be better or being punished because I reacted by punching the person.
Today I still feel that anxiety just thinking about being put in this position over and over and over again as I lived a single mothers life. Breathing in, I hold my breath a moment, picturing all that tension gathering into the breath. When my body doesn’t feel any more stress or anxiety, I let it go, and my shoulders relax, my mind clears. I tell myself that my choices are my own. If I decided to spend my weekend in my PJ’s with my cats, my family, eating leftovers from the Friday night cooking spree, watching movies or TV shows, playing board games or watching the sunrise and sunset. That is my decision and it is what I needed at that moment.

The inevitable question comes from the group bully as the swaggering egotistically form makes its way to me. Stopping just in front of me, demanding my attention, which I ignore and continue preparing for my day. I see the shuffle of feet in my peripheral vision and still, I ignore the pretentious tormenter. Eventually, the courtesy of addressing me by name is extended my way. Only then do I give my attention to any enquiry made. The weekend question is asked with a prominent sneer.
I do not answer immediately.
Instead, I pick up a stack of papers and move to the nearby drawers to put them away.
“I asked you a question,” is drummed into my space and my hearing. I refuse to buckle under the intimidating way the words are spoken.
Finishing my task, I turn to the furious, presumptuous, overbearing person expecting an answer worthy of sneering. Slowly walking toward them, I keep eye contact. Today, enough is enough.
“I heard your question, but I also heard the sneer,” I stop a little way from them, “I can answer any time I like or not at all. You will be patient for my answer should I choose to give it. But I don’t think you deserve to know what I did with my time in the past two days as the only thing you want to do with it is pull it apart to make yourself feel better or more superior. What I do on my weekend has nothing to do with someone like you.”

Closing my drawer, I continued to gather the required items for the first meeting of the day. A feeling of liberation and relief running through my veins as I realised what I should have years ago. Information about my life is privileged and only needs to be known about by those who care about, are genuine in their interest and love me for who I am … nerdette deluxe.
Walking past the gapping, staring, blustering person, I walk into the meeting room and find a chair.

Through the years, I have relived many moments when someone tries to manipulate or intimidate another they perceive as weak or gentle or an easy target.
When life gets tough, and I feel obligated to buckle under the bullying of an intimidating manipulator. I remember that moment when I defined who and how the story of my life would be told. There are moments which stick with you forever and then there are the moments when you stand up for yourself. Making yourself proud of the person you are. If you can stand up for yourself, you can stand up for others who have not yet seen they can do it for themselves.
Part of my mission in Saving Me is to stand up for the areas in me that are overwhelmed, feeling bullied, intimated or manipulated. Regions that are crying out to be heard. This journey is about giving myself a holistic voice to be heard.

How does one go about being heard and by whom?

I decided it was time to start looking into the “how-to” and see what needed to be done. In my research, I came across some bizarre names that people like me are called. Such as hypersensitivity personalities or empathic personalities or emotional-hypersensitive personality. Wading through the articles and surveys, reading what one so-called expert has to say and another expert has to say it all boils down to something so simple. I see things, understand things, can predict things that others don’t or won’t and basically feel everything around me all the time. Someone like that should be living in a quieter world than we have at the moment.

I am more practical when tackling issues in my life, so I took to doing what I do best.  Make a list.

Step One:

• Listen to yourself.  
• Understand yourself.  
• Know yourself.  
• Be with yourself.  
• Learn who you are.
• What you like and dislikes? 
• What are your boundaries? 
• What do you want to do with your time

Step Two :

• Address all of these points in step one individually and spend time getting to know who you are. 
•  If you feel you already know who you are, test yourself. 
•  Write down everything you think you know about yourself. It doesn’t have to be an essay or thesis simple bullet points with one line sentences will do.

Step Three:

• If you have any doubt about any of the points in the previous step, take the time to answer each one thoroughly. 
• You cannot move forward if you do not know yourself.  

Some of the articles I read added that you need to know how strong you are to accomplish this journey. Pondering this I couldn’t help but wonder if this point was correct. How does anyone know how strong they are?

Then a quote came to me: “You never know how strong you are until it’s your only choice.” Bob Marley

Take the time you need for yourself. Learn who you are and love yourself. In the words of Helen Keller.

“Character cannot be developed in ease and quiet. Only through experience of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, ambition inspired, and success achieved.”